March 24, 2010 by Batman.

Um trem bate em um ônibus cheio de freiras e todas morrem.
Elas estão todas em frente a São Pedro, tentando atravessar os portões do Paraíso. O santo pergunta à primeira freira:
- Irmã Francisca, você alguma vez teve contato com um pênis?

A irmã sorri, timidamente, e responde:
- Bem, uma vez eu toquei a cabeça de um, com a pontinha do meu dedo…
- OK. – diz o porteiro do Céu. – Enfie a ponta do dedo nesta bacia de água benta e atravesse o portão…

São Pedro pergunta à segunda freira:
- Irmã Beatriz, você alguma vez teve contato com um pênis?
A irmã reluta um pouco, mas responde:
- Bem, uma vez segurei e acariciei um…
- Sendo assim, – determina São Pedro – enfie a mão toda na água benta e atravesse o portão…

De repente forma-se um tumulto na fila das freiras. Uma delas começa a empurrar as outras para passar na frente. Quando a freirinha afoita chega ao início da fila, São Pedro pergunta:
- Irmã, qual o motivo da tanta pressa?
E a freira responde:
- É que, se eu vou ter que fazer gargarejo com essa água, melhor fazer agora, antes que a Irmã Socorro lave a bunda.

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February 24, 2010 by Batman.

Minha esposa sentou-se no sofá junto a mim enquanto eu passava pelos canais.

Ela perguntou, “O que tem na TV?

“Eu disse, “Poeira.”

E então a briga começou….

Minha esposa estava dando dicas sobre o que ela queria para seu aniversário

que estava próximo.

Ela disse, “Quero algo brilhante que vá de 0 a 200 em cerca de 3 segundos. “

Eu comprei uma balança para ela.

E então a briga começou…

Quando cheguei em casa ontem a noite, minha esposa exigiu que a levasse a algum lugar caro.

Então eu a levei ao posto de gasolina.

E então a briga começou…

A mulher esta nua, olhando no espelho do quarto de dormir.

Ela não feliz com o que vê e diz para o marido, “Sinto-me horrível; pareço velha, gorda e feia.

Eu realmente   preciso de um elogio seu. “

O marido retruca, “Sua visão está perto da perfeição. “

E então a briga começou…

Eu levei minha esposa ao restaurante. O garçom, por algum motivo, anotou meu pedido primeiro.

“Eu vou querer churrasco mal-passado, por favor.”

Ele disse, “Você não está preocupado com a vaca louca ?”

“Não, ela mesma pode fazer seu pedido.”

E então a briga começou…

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June 27, 2007 by Batman.

Lula vai à Inglaterra visitar a rainha; ele a homenageia, troca presentes e lhe pergunta:

- Senhora rainha, como consegue escolher ministros tão maravilhosos?

Ela lhe responde:

- É fácil senhor presidente! Eu apenas faço uma pergunta inteligente. Se a pessoa conseguir responder, é por que ela é capacitada para ser ministro.

- Quer ver? Vou lhe dar um exemplo. Aí a rainha pega o telefone, liga para Tony Blair e lhe pergunta:

- Tony, seu pai e sua mãe têm um bebê. Ele não é seu irmão nem sua irmã. Então quem êle é?

O ministro pensa e pensa, aí lhe responde:

- Senhora rainha, esse bebê sou eu.

Ela diz que a resposta está certa, agradece e desliga o telefone; falando para Lula:

- Viu só? Êle merece ser ministro.

Lula maravilhado com isso, volta ao Brasil. Chama sua ministra Dilma Roussef e lhe pergunta:

- Senhora Dilma, seu pai e sua mãe têm um filho. Êle não é seu irmão nem sua irmã. Então quem êle é?

A ministra pensa e pensa, então lhe fala:

- Senhor presidente, eu vou consultar meus assessores e lhe trago a resposta. Vai à sala de seus assessores e lhes cobra a resposta, dizendo
para serem rápidos, que o presidente está esperando. Nenhum sabe a resposta.

Aí um deles lhe diz para consultar a equipe de base que está mais ligada ao povo, e que devem saber dessas coisas.

Seguindo o conselho, Dilma liga para a equipe de base e lhes faz a mesma pergunta. Também não souberam responder e disseram para a ministra
perguntar para o ex-presidente Fernando Henrique, dizendo que êle é muito inteligente e que saberia responder a essa pergunta.

Então Dilma liga para o ex-presidente e lhe pergunta:

- Fernando Henrique, aqui é a ministra Dilma Rosseuf. Eu tenho uma pergunta para você! Se seu pai e sua mãe têm um bebê. E esse bebê não é
seu irmão nem sua irmã. Então quem é esse bebê?

O ex-presidente pensa e pensa, e lhe responde:

- Ora senhora ministra é lógico que esse bebê sou eu!

A ministra lhe agradece, desliga o telefone e vai correndo para contar para Lula a resposta da pergunta. Chegando na sala do presidente vai logo
falando:

- Se meu pai e minha mãe têm um bebê e esse bebê não é meu irmão nem minha irmã, é lógico que ele só pode ser o Fernando Henrique.

Então Lula dá um grande sorriso e lhe diz:

- Agora eu te peguei. Sua resposta está completamente errada… o bebê é o Tony Blair!!!

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June 25, 2007 by Batman.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night
at a business function. He forces himself to open
his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror
and notices a note on the table:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
“Love you!!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son…
what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your
mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have
rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, THAT!…Mom dragged you to the
bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, “Leave me alone, b*tch, I’m married!!!”

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time…
Priceless

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October 9, 2006 by Batman.

“A Little Flab”

One morning while making breakfast, a man
walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt
and said, “If you firmed up, we could get rid
of your control top panty hose.”

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his
wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said,
“You know, if you firmed these up, we could get
rid of your bra.”

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled
over and grabbed him by his “winkie.” With a death
grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this
up,we could get rid of the gardener, the postman,
the pool man, and your brother!”

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September 26, 2006 by Batman.

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: “Hey, where am I?”.

The solitary office worker replies: “You’re in an airplane.”.

The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport’s runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel.

The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. “Elementary,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.”

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August 8, 2006 by Batman.

“Modern Version of the Birds and the Bees”

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
“Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one
day you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail
with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where
your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male.

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August 3, 2006 by Batman.

Gator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He
turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll
then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man
stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The
gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks
were delivered. The man stood up again and
made another offer.

“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand
went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

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August 3, 2006 by Batman.

“Vaseline”

A market researcher called at a house and
his knock was answered by a young woman
with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his
questions and when she agreed, he asked
her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-
Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that
among their many products was Vaseline and
she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was,
“Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse. ”

The interviewer was amazed. He said, “I always
ask that question because everyone uses our
product and they always say they use it for the
child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some
other purpose; but I know that most people really
use it for sexual intercourse, they just don’t like
to say so. Since you’ve been so frank, could you
tell me exactly how you use it?”

“We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”

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July 5, 2006 by Batman.

Poor little Cinders is in the kitchen crying when
in walks her fairy godmother who asks her what
the problem is, Cinders replies “The ugly sisters
laughed at me because my clothes are poor and
scruffy and they said I can’t go to the ball.”

The fairy godmother assures her that she can
help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella’s
rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with
gold sequins and elegant glass slippers.

Cinderella continues to cry and says, “I cant go to
the ball because it is a long way to go and I don’t
know how I am ever going to get there.”

The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for
inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables,
selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves
her magic wand and they are transformed into a
wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses -
as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a
leek and magically they become a coachman, who
climbs up and takes the reigns and a footman who
opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders
should step inside.

Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother
asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong
and Cinders replies, “It is the time of the month
when I have my period and the ugly sisters have
taken all the sanitary towels so I still can’t go to
the ball.”

Looking into the almost empty vegetable basket the
fairy godmother takes out an enormous turnip and
with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampon which
he hands to Cinders saying, ” There you go my
dear, but whatever you do, for heaven sake,
get back by midnight!”

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June 22, 2006 by Batman.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy
shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to
a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to
the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real
cowboy?”

“Well, I have spent my whole life on the
ranch herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the
cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

“I’ve never been on a ranch so I know I’m not
a cowboy,” said the young woman, “but I am
a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning I think of women. When I eat,
shower, watch TV, everything seems to
make me think of women.”

A short while later she left and the cowboy
ordered another drink. A couple sat down
next to him and asked, “Are you a real
cowboy?”

“I always thought I was, but I just learned
that I’m a lesbian.”

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June 20, 2006 by Batman.

There was an Asian lady married to an English
gentleman and they lived in London. The poor
lady was not very proficient in English, but
managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to
shop for groceries. One day, she went to the
butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She
didn’t know how to put forward her request,
and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady
went home with pork legs. The next day, she
needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned
her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy
sausages.

She brought her husband to the store. ……………….
so what did she do?
(please scroll page down).
!
!
!
!
!
!

What were you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo?!
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to work.

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June 17, 2006 by Batman.

1. Ever tried alcohol? (1 point)
2. Ever been drunk? (2 points)
3. Ever play drinking games? (2 points)
4. Ever fall down because you drank too much? (3 points)
5. Ever drink enough to throw up? (4 points)
(bonus: Throwing up on another person — 1 point)
6. Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? (5 points)
7. Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? (8 points)
8. Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl? (5 points)
9. Do you drink regularly/ at least 3 times a week? (3 points)
(bonus: 1 point for each additional day –max. 7 points)
10. Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? (4 points)
11. Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person? (2 points)
12. Ever laughed at someone else’s misfortune? (1 point)
13. Ever try pot, hash, or magic mushrooms? (4 points for each one tried)
14. Do you do drugs regularly? (4 points)
(bonus: at least 4 times a week — 4 points)
15. Ever bought “soft” drugs? (4 points)
16. Ever sell drugs? (8 points)
17. Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? (12 points)
18. Ever used barbiturates? (8 points)
19. Ever used hallucinogens? (8 points)
20. Ever used narcotics? (10 points)
21. Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours? (8 points)
22. Ever been on a date? (2 points)
23. Ever been felt up or groped? (2 points)
(bonus: to org*sm — 2 points)
24. Ever had sexual intercourse? (6 points)
(bonus: on first date — 2 points)
25. Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex? (5 points)
26. Ever paid for sex? (8 points)
27. Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? (4 points)
28. Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and succeed? (8 points)
29. Ever engage in oral sex? (4 points)
(bonus: to org*sm — 2 points)
30. Ever engage in anal sex? (6 points)
(bonus: to org*sm — 2 points)
31. Ever engage in the 69 position? (4 points)
32. Ever contract an STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease)? (12 points)
33. Ever had sex without a contraceptive? (4 points)
34. Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? (12 points)
35. Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week? (4 points)
36. Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? (9 points)
37. Ever had sex in a public place? (6 points)
38. Ever had carpet burns as a result of a sexual act? (4 points)
39. Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? (10 points)
40. Ever practiced bond*ge, masochism or sadism for sexual gratification? (8 points)
41. Ever used sex toys? (6 points)
42. Ever pass out during sex? (5 points)
43. Ever been responsible for losing someone else’s virginity? (4 points)
44. Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? (3 points)
45. Ever bought something in a sex shop? (3 points)
46. Ever licked or had someone lick
An eyeball — 2 points
Toes — 1 point
Ears — 1 point
Anus — 5 points (add 5 points if you licked YOUR OWN anus)
47. Ever had sex with a relative? (5 points)
48. Ever make someone else sleep in the wet spot? (6 points)
49. Does necrophilia, pedophilia or bestiality turn you on? (20 points)
50. Ever ben arrested? (8 points)
(bonus: If convicted — 7 points)

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