August 8, 2006 by Batman.

“Modern Version of the Birds and the Bees”

A little boy goes to his father and asks,
“Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers: “Well son, I guess one
day you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail
with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where
your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male.

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August 3, 2006 by Batman.

Gator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He
turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll
then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man
stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The
gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks
were delivered. The man stood up again and
made another offer.

“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd. After awhile, a hand
went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly
spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

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August 3, 2006 by Batman.

“Vaseline”

A market researcher called at a house and
his knock was answered by a young woman
with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his
questions and when she agreed, he asked
her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-
Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that
among their many products was Vaseline and
she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was,
“Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse. ”

The interviewer was amazed. He said, “I always
ask that question because everyone uses our
product and they always say they use it for the
child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some
other purpose; but I know that most people really
use it for sexual intercourse, they just don’t like
to say so. Since you’ve been so frank, could you
tell me exactly how you use it?”

“We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”

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July 5, 2006 by Batman.

Poor little Cinders is in the kitchen crying when
in walks her fairy godmother who asks her what
the problem is, Cinders replies “The ugly sisters
laughed at me because my clothes are poor and
scruffy and they said I can’t go to the ball.”

The fairy godmother assures her that she can
help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella’s
rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with
gold sequins and elegant glass slippers.

Cinderella continues to cry and says, “I cant go to
the ball because it is a long way to go and I don’t
know how I am ever going to get there.”

The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for
inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables,
selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves
her magic wand and they are transformed into a
wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses -
as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a
leek and magically they become a coachman, who
climbs up and takes the reigns and a footman who
opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders
should step inside.

Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother
asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong
and Cinders replies, “It is the time of the month
when I have my period and the ugly sisters have
taken all the sanitary towels so I still can’t go to
the ball.”

Looking into the almost empty vegetable basket the
fairy godmother takes out an enormous turnip and
with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampon which
he hands to Cinders saying, ” There you go my
dear, but whatever you do, for heaven sake,
get back by midnight!”

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June 22, 2006 by Batman.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy
shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to
a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to
the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real
cowboy?”

“Well, I have spent my whole life on the
ranch herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the
cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

“I’ve never been on a ranch so I know I’m not
a cowboy,” said the young woman, “but I am
a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning I think of women. When I eat,
shower, watch TV, everything seems to
make me think of women.”

A short while later she left and the cowboy
ordered another drink. A couple sat down
next to him and asked, “Are you a real
cowboy?”

“I always thought I was, but I just learned
that I’m a lesbian.”

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June 20, 2006 by Batman.

There was an Asian lady married to an English
gentleman and they lived in London. The poor
lady was not very proficient in English, but
managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to
shop for groceries. One day, she went to the
butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She
didn’t know how to put forward her request,
and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady
went home with pork legs. The next day, she
needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned
her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy
sausages.

She brought her husband to the store. ……………….
so what did she do?
(please scroll page down).
!
!
!
!
!
!

What were you thinking?

HellOOOooooooOOOooo?!
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to work.

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June 16, 2006 by Batman.

At church, Joe was in charge of taking up
the offerings. One Sunday after the services,
the priest counted the cash and found it was
smaller than anticipated. So he questioned
Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough
for the size of the congregation. Joe said that
he did not take any of the offering. The priest
again questioned him and again he said that
he did not take any of the offering. So the priest
said “get in the confessional” which Joe did.

Then the priest asked Joe, “Did you take any
of the offering?” and this time Joe said, “I can’t
hear you.”

Again the priest asked, “Joe did you take any
of the offering?” Again Joe answered, “I can’t
hear you.”

This time the priest yelled “JOE DID YOU TAKE
ANY OF THE OFFERING?!?”

Again Joe answered, “I can’t hear you.”

By this time the priest was getting a little angry
so he came out of the confessional and said,
“Joe trade places with me and you can ask me
a question.”

So they traded places and Joe asked. “I hear
that you and my wife are having an affair. Is
that true?”

To which the priest answered, “By golly, you
can’t hear in here!”

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May 27, 2006 by Batman.

“Home on the Range”

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty
year-old rancher in town. Tom had lost his wife
a year or so before and rumor had it that he was
marrying a “mail order” bride. Being a good friend,
the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom
assured him that it was. The banker then asked
Tom the age of  his new bride to be.. Tom proudly
said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,
could see that the sexual appetite of a young
woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-
old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years
to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom
should consider getting a hired hand to help him
out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its
own course. Tom thought this was a good idea
and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom
in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the
banker.

Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.”

The banker, happy that his sage advice had
worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired
hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant,
too.”

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May 11, 2006 by Batman.

There was a married couple who were in
a terrible accident. The woman’s face was
burned severely. The doctor told the husband
they couldn’t graft any skin from her body
because she was so skinny. The husband
then donated some of his skin…however, the
only place suitable to the doctor was from his
buttocks. The husband requested that no one
be told of this, because after all,… this was a
very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She
looked more beautiful than she ever did before!
All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved
at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her
husband one day and she wanted to thank him
for what he did.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me! There is no way I
could ever repay you!!!

He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty
thanks enough every time your mother comes
over and kisses you on your cheek!!

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May 4, 2006 by Batman.

Three priests were in a railroad station on
their way home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy,
shapely, well endowed woman wearing a
very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the
three priests very nervous, so they drew
straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window.
“Young lady, I would like three pickets to
Titsburg.” He completely lost his composure
and fled.

The second priest goes to the window.
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburgh and I would like the change in
nipples and dimes.”

Mortified, he too fled.

“Morons….” the third priest mutters and
moves to the window. “Young lady, I would
like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would
like the change in nickels and dimes. And,
if you insist on dressing like that, when you
get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to
shake his Peter at you.”..

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April 25, 2006 by Batman.

Pensamentos

“What Are Those?”

A man and his young son are in the drugstore
when the son sees the shelf of condoms and
asks his father what they are. The dad replies,
“Well, son, those are condoms and they’re for
protection when you’re having sex.”

The son then picks up one of the packs and
asks why it has three in it. The dad replies,
“Those are for high school boys. One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

The son then picks up one with six units
asks, “Why six?”

The dad replies, “Well son, those are for
college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday
and two for Sunday.”

The son then notices the 12 pack and asks
the same question.

The dad replies, “Son, those are for married
men. One for January, one for February,
one for March….”

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April 25, 2006 by Batman.

Pensamentos

“Why is E-Mail like a Penis?”

Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have
it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those that don’t have it are somehow
inferior. They think it gives them power. They are
wrong.

Those that don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty
toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who
do not have it make about it. Still, many of those
who don’t have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up,
but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the past, its only purpose was to transmit vital
to survival of species, but most folks today use it
for fun and games.

Once you start playing with it , it’s hard to stop.
Some people would play with it all day if they
didn’t have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people.
Some people take this interaction seriously, others
treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what
kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.

If you don’t apply the appropriate protective
measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead it uses yours. If
you use it too much, you will find it becomes more
and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater
than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get
you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how
good your intentions, it will warp your behavior.
Later you’ll ask, why on earth did I do that?

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own
devices, it will just do the same things it did before.

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April 25, 2006 by Batman.

“Saving Up”

“Oh my G~d,” said the bride. “He told me that
he had been saving up for 75 years…. I thought
he meant his money!!”

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